If you wish to attract First-World pity, beware of one inescapable fact: the moral superiority of the Left, especially our modern, democratic, equalitarian left of freedom and citizenship. No matter who you are, we are better than you. Why else would we want to save you? No matter how unfair you may think your imprisonment was, do not question the fact that we are morally superior. We know because that's the way we feel when we go to bed. If you ever invoke Liberty, it should always be collective. Do not ever invoke individual Liberty. Didn't you know that is right-wing, frankly bourgeois? The same goes for insulting a sacred cow like Castro ("Fidel", to us). Touch not our beloved commander, since this sad mistake may and will turn the sorriest victim into an aggressor. Against our faith, our myths, our religion. How dare you attack the theme park of our utmost fantasy of social justice (for "The World", mind you, not for you)? Didn't anyone tell you that everyone is good until they are corrupted by a repressive education? I hope you're not saying the holy Revolution that freed you from dictatorship is in any way wrong or unfair. Please do not make it so hard on yourself, and us. Specifically, we must insist, do not attack any icons of The Left. Remember that for us the Castros are a Che Guevara poster we like to masturbate against. Aaah! Bliss... Let socialist Paradise exist in that Tropical land of you funny people, even if we must sacrifice ourselves and live in capitalist Hell.
Failure to follow this simple, good-natured piece of advice --which is graciously and freely provided to you as a matter of pure, natural kindness from the bottom of our bleeding First-World, left-wing hearts--, will result in unfortunate consequences desired by no one. Suspicion will fall upon you and yours, you'll be subject to ruthless scrutiny. Your motives will be questioned, disbelieved, ignored. There'll be no glory in your sacrifice. No journalist will even tell us about you until you are, well, dead. No famous actor will make audiences cry by appealing to the freedom of your conscience. Not a snot will fall from the 20.000.000€ dome of the Human Rights and Alliance of Civilizations Chamber in the UN's Palace of Nations, while president Zapatero (who deemed the life of mass murderer De Juana Chaos "sacred") doesn't deem it fit to mention that you just died after starving for 85 days in defense of your dignity as a human being. We won't send to our mail list the kind of tacky PowerPoint presentations that touches our sentimental hearts. We won't form any Facebook groups to support your selfish, wrong, reactionary cause. You worm, exactly what did you think "Socialismo o muerte" meant? You'll die a lonely, cruel, miserable death. The tyrant's armed force will prevent your relatives and friends from even attending your funeral. No tourist will be disturbed while visiting the giant apartheid brothel your country has become since the freedom fighters liberated it from the yoke of capitalism.
That shall be your only fate. That is what invariably and inevitably will happen to you, you mulatto bricklayer, plumber, prisoner, if, oblivious to this well-intended piece of advice, you insist on hunger striking against the infantile notions of human justice and, above all, goodness dreamt by our left-wing religion.